Be good, behave yourself

Behave yourself!

Who hasn't heard those words before? But what does it mean, to be good?  Have you ever been told exactly what this means?  What do you have to do, how do you have to be, how do you have to behave, to be good?  Who wrote the rule-book for this “be-good”, behaving thing?  Why should one behave, or be good, anyway?

Rules for behaving are circumstantial, contextual, social.

My experience has been that different rules apply to different circumstances, contexts, places, and people.  There are rules for boys and different rules for girls, for the first born, and others for those that come after. Different rules when you are at home, in the shop, have friends over, with family, when you have the boss over, go to church, and so on.  There are also different rules for when you are feeling good to those when you’re feeling hung-over, tired, grumpy, unhappy, had a fight with the neighbours, tax man, electrician, bookkeeper, boss etc.

Have you told your kids what your rules are, or just show your displeasure when they aren't doing what you would like them to do?  Do you expect them to know what they must do?

Rather than say: “Be good!” “Behave!” “Be nice!” which implies you are not good, nice, or behaving, rather say: “If you need to scratch in your nose in public, rather blow it into a tissue or handkerchief.”  It becomes even more complex than this. If you say: “Don’t tease your brother, sister, hamster!”  The brain does not recognise the negative and sees it as an imperative (it drops of the “don’t” and does exactly what you do not want them to do), so you need to say it in a way that makes it clear what you want the person to do rather than not.

What is your response, or reaction, to misdemeanours?

What do you do when somebody doesn’t “behave”? Do you throw a frothy, yell and scream, or grab them by the arm promising retribution when you get home, or hiss in their ear, "Don't be horrible", Don't be naughty", "Don't be ugly", etc. Do you wish your kids to emulate your behaviour when they grow up and have kids of their own?

Surely they aren’t really horrible, ugly, or naughty? Surely you are talking about their behaviour, not their intrinsic worth or value as an individual. Address the problem, and the behaviour, do not denigrate the person as it may have lasting results. Tell them what your rules are, what the alternatives are, what you wish them to do, and under which circumstances.

Were you ever told when you were kids what the rules are to be good, to behave yourself? Are you perpetuating this by not telling your kids? If not, how do you plan to do it?  You may spend the rest of your life trying to cover all the bases, all the possible scenarios and variations of what is permissible and what not. I'm not sure what the answer is because my rules wouldn't be the same as yours, and maybe diametrically opposite to someone else's.

In some circles it is proper to burp as a show of appreciation and indication that you have enjoyed the food, in others it is severely frowned upon.  In Africa there are no urinals along the road, the ‘veld’ is your urinal. In major cities this would cause a severe hygiene problem.

There is probably no universal answer.

What are the alternatives? Remove the possibility of misbehaviour.

Put your kids to bed when they are tired. They have to wind themselves up to stay awake past their bedtime and may end up irritating the living daylights out of you, and will still be over-tired, and maybe even irritable, the next day. Not good for you, them, their teachers, or anyone else they get into contact with. They might even get detention because they weren’t paying attention, falling asleep, or get into trouble for being disruptive because they are over-wrought. In these scenarios it’s not their fault they misbehave, but yours.

Why take your kids with you when shopping?  Leave them with a responsible friend/partner/family member while you do your shopping and later in the week you return the favour, or do some other favour they need done. You will be able to get it over with in a much shorter time, with much less aggravation for everyone.
Why subject your kids to church when they do not understand what is being said?  You expect them to sit still and keep quiet for an hour or more when there is nothing for them in a service, it is only infinitely boring...  Churches would do well to have special activities for kids that teach them about spirituality rather than churchianity, while parents are doing penance and listening to the 'uitkakperade' in the church. (Directly translated this means shitting out parade a.k.a. in the army troops are given hell for some imagined, or real misdemeanor.) I don't know whether this practice has changed since the days I went to church as I avoid the place like the plague... You can pray for my lost soul, if you have to.

Become creative with your solutions.

Everyone will benefit.

The weird thing is that we become who we are and how we are partly as a result of our experiences, our make-up, our genetics, our environment, and partly our interactions with others.  We would not be who we are if we didn't have the challenges we have (had)...

I wonder what we would be capable of as human beings if we could rather have challenges at a different level than the ones we have in our present day and age. If we didn’t have to think that there is something wrong with us (them), I wonder what attitude change there would be in society, what the implications of that may be in terms of compassion, empathy, and the deadly sins.